girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
