Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
