Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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