I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
