I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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