Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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