i wish my penis had a tongue
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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