yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
