hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
