U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
