My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
