why im i the only drunk person in the library?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
