"it" just moved
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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