a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
