He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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