when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I touched a dick in church today
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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