Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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