in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
this is an emotional support booty call
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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