This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
