Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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