I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
