Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
