I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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