I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
