Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
