i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
