Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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