yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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