That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
