I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
