I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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