i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
