and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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