You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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