this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
