Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
