I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
