I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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