In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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