is your mom at the bar?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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