I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
