I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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