M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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