I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
