Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
