I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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