I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
