We won't sleep together?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
this boner is exhausting
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
