i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
And then my night got REAL pukey
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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