So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
