I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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